What to Say to Narcissists to Shut Them Down Permanently
By Rebecca Zung, Esq
If a narcissist is incessantly coming at you, do you know what you need to do to shut them down permanently? I’ll show you how to get them out of your life permanently in this article.
I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve heard from people that narcissists just want to win or that it’s about the money. These myths are absolutely false. It’s just wrong. What narcissists actually want is Narcissistic Supply. Narcissistic supply is basically anything that feeds their ego, and there are a couple of varieties of them. There’s the Diamond Level supply which is how they perceive themselves to the world and this is something that they will protect and defend at any cost. This is the grade-A type. This can be in the form of compliments, recognition, adulation, prestige, etc. Then there’s the dark underbelly of narcissistic supply as well which they get by degrading, controlling, manipulating, and getting you to squirm. This is the thing that most people don’t understand or tend to forget about when it comes to narcissistic supply. We all need to acknowledge the fact that this dark side is always there…ever-present. So, to shut them down permanently, we need to realize that by giving the narcissist any level of anything is feeding their need for supply. If you give them attention or at the least breathe or even look at their direction, that will give them the supply they crave for. Any of these things and in between, as long as you’re in that web with them, you are still feeding them. This is the kind of mentality they have and this is something that if you don’t understand, you’ll never get to shut them down permanently. You can think of it similar to how a tourniquet cuts off a limb from a blood source. If we don’t, we will unknowingly continuously feed them with the lifeblood and it will keep them coming back for more.
We need to create boundaries. Like I always say: Step 1: Don’t run. Step 2: Make a U-turn, and Step 3: Break free! Similar to what they did during the love bombing phase, you need to draw a line and condition them back that there’s a new game that you’re all playing. Narcissists will absolutely not like it and they’ll start acting out, get loud, and go out kicking and screaming. Just like toddlers who are having a tantrum attack, they really do think that the more attention they draw, the more they act out, then you’ll give in. Now, some people do give in but we have to remember that they’re always the worst when they’re about to give up. So cut them off and draw those boundaries.
I always tell people to pretend like they’re reporting the news. Zero emotions. And facts only. Never justify, explain, or overshare. When you explain or justify yourself, you’re giving them credence and giving life to their ridiculous arguments. For example, if they send you an email, look for the one thing that you really need to respond to, and as for the rest of it, you can say “I deny these allegations made against me on this email and I’m only responding regarding our child’s schedule. Our child can be picked up by Wednesday noon.” That’s it. That’s all you need to do. Conversely, it is ok to take a breath or take your time before responding to them. Sometimes, you can even be silent for a moment or not respond at all. There will be times when they just throw things at you, so outlandish, that you don’t have to respond to them at all. Your silence can be your response and it’s going to drive them to the edge. If the narcissist does not accept your terms, please don’t compromise yourself by making another one just to accommodate them. What you’re doing there is you are negotiating against yourself. If they want to present a counteroffer, let them. But you’ll need to remind them that you have clearly laid your terms on the table and that’s it. Don’t budge. Don’t give in. Don’t allow them to push you into anything. Don’t allow them to get you offline and meet in person. Remember, you’ve made your boundaries. Keep them. I’ve seen situations wherein someone met with their narcissist at a local coffee shop and was bullied into agreements and coerced into signing off on things on pieces of paper. We’re not going to do any of these things.
Another way of responding to them briefly is by saying “Sure. I understand that’s what you think” or “ I agree that’s your opinion.” A couple more would be “I agree that’s where we are at this point.” or “Okay. Sure. That’s wonderful for you.” But a concise yet perfect response would be “I agree that’s what you think.”. They hear that you agree with them, but you really agree with nothing. You’re just agreeing with their opinion, which in fact doesn’t matter to us anymore. This is one of those times wherein you just have to create an avatar of yourself. The strongest, most powerful, and most confident version of you. The best of you. It’s like they say, fake it ’til you make it. Be that person especially when you’re engaging with them. It is important to understand that narcissists are always more afraid of you than you are of them. Narcissists always have and always will bank on their perception that you are weak or emotional. They’ll pick on your perceived weaknesses to get under your skin. Don’t take that bait. That’s what they’re counting on. Instead show up as your best self — your avatar, and the more composed you are, the more unglued they become. Although narcissists will lash out, don’t fall for it. They will attempt to elevate the ante but the more you ignore them and keep your calm; things will get worst for them too. Don’t let them see you sweat or shake. Be the avatar. When you are in the privacy of your home, you can cry and let it out all you want, but just don’t do it in front of them.
Remember, today is a great day to start negotiating your best life. You can do this! They only win if you give in. So don’t ever negotiate against yourself. I’m rooting for you.
