How to Know if the Narcissist is Lying
By Rebecca Zung, Esq.
You want to know if a narcissist is lying. One word changes it. Recognizing when a narcissist is lying is particularly challenging due to their often skilled manipulation and charm. They are so charming, and it is really subtle because they are so good at what they do. They have been working on it, honing it for years and years. What is one powerful indicator that you can look for when you are dealing with a narcissist? And I’ve been dealing with narcissists for years as a lawyer. And I’m going to tell you what that one word is that you can look for. What is it encapsulated in? And that one word is integrity. And I can tell you this because I have been dealing with narcissists in cases as an attorney for years. I’ve been a licensed attorney for 24 years. I’ve been recognized by US News as a best lawyer in America. I’ve written a bestselling book, “Slay the Bully: How to Negotiate with a Narcissist.” And when I have my Slight programs, and by the way, if you haven’t subscribed to this channel, I invite you to do that now. Subscribe, hit that notification bell.
Did they do what they say they’re going to do? Are things lining up? The thing is, even in that love-bombing stage, you will start to see signs. I know for myself, I had a narcissistic business partner, and even at the beginning, I noticed things that weren’t lining up. There were kind of crazy things happening at the beginning, like I had a business of my own, and I noticed that there were things going on that she was doing on her website that were kind of copying things that I was doing. And I was like, “Hey, what are you doing over there?” And she was like, “Oh yeah, I know.” I had said to my husband, “I can’t do exactly what she’s doing,” or whatever. And I was like, “Okay, yeah, I saw red flags.” But I just sort of ignored them at the time. And I don’t know why. I just went ahead with it anyway.
Are they honest? Are you seeing red flags at the beginning? Are you seeing something that’s not lining up, that doesn’t seem like something that an honest person with integrity would do? Are they transparent? Are they hiding things from you? Are they saying, “You know, I don’t want to show you this right now. I don’t want to tell you”? Are you in a relationship where they’re hiding a lot of things from you at the beginning? They don’t want to tell you how much money they have. They don’t want to tell you anything about their family. They don’t want to tell you anything about their history. There’s a lot of hidden things.
Do you have access to information about this person, or is there a lot of mystery going on? And if that’s the case, then that could be a red flag. Withholding information could be a red flag. There could be a lack of integrity behind that. Stop listening to the words that are coming out of the mouth of that person and focus on the actions of that person. Are their actions lining up with what they’re saying? Are they doing what they’re saying they’re going to do when they say they’re going to do it? Because narcissists, despite their charming selves, struggle with maintaining consistency in their behaviors.
They have a really hard time doing what they say they’re going to do when they say they’re going to do it. Many times, they’ll say, “I want my kids. I want them all the time.” And then they don’t show up on time. They don’t show up to take them when they are supposed to take them. That inconsistency is a really key red flag. Inconsistencies in their stories: pay attention to the details in their stories. Many times, they change small details in their stories a lot. “Oh, you know, we were on this boat. We were on this story.” “I thought you said you were here.” “I thought you said you were there.” “I thought you said you were with this person.” They contradict themselves frequently over time.
Listen to the small details in their stories. Behavioral inconsistencies: their actions often don’t align with their words. For example, they promise to change certain behaviors and then repeatedly fail to do so. “Oh, I’m going to start doing more around the house. You’ll see.” And then they might do it for a week, a month, even a couple of months, and then it starts to drop off. They don’t do it anymore. “I’m going to go to counseling.” And then they might go a couple of times. “Well, I don’t like that person.” “Well, I don’t have time.” “Well, that person’s against me.” “Well, that person’s full of it.” “Well, that person doesn’t know what they’re talking about.” They find trouble with that.
Inconsistencies. If you’re agreeing with me so far, give me agree in the comments. The next one is emotional responses: their emotional reactions seem disproportionate or inappropriate to the situations. So what they do is they get really out of control because you’re trying to hold them to account for something. So they go out of control, and that’s an attempt to manipulate or deflect from the truth. Or they turn it around on you or turn it around on somebody else because they don’t want to have to be held to account for whatever it is that they’re lying about.
Straight-up lying: gaps in their logic is another one. Their explanations or arguments might have huge gaps or flawed reasoning, which is a huge sign of deception. Straight-up lying: blame-shifting to avoid accountability. I call it projection and deflection. Lying and denying: projection and deflection, the blame shift to put it onto somebody else. “I wasn’t able to get that project done because the other team didn’t do what they were supposed to do. I would have done it, but they didn’t do what they were supposed to do first.” That’s another one.
Gaslighting: of course, gaslighting is all narcissists. Engage in some form of gaslighting, but they make you doubt your own reality, questioning your memory, questioning your judgment. You’re delusional. Remember, dealing with a narcissist requires not only keen observation but maintaining your own emotional balance and having those boundaries, putting that invisible shield down around you, those Wonder Woman bracelets, those Superman chests, getting those bullets off of you, starting to observe their behavior, to them demanding respect of yourself, and just starting to say, “I’m going to observe, don’t absorb,” starting to say, “This approach isn’t working for me,” and really just straight-up saying to things to them, “That didn’t happen that way. That’s not how it went. I’m going to hold you to account for this,” and just stay steady, stay calm, stay emotionally unaffected. I always say, just pretend like you’re reporting the news.
“I can see that you are upset. I can see that you are angry. This is the way that it happened. Just pretend like you’re reporting facts. Here’s how it went,” and document everything in real-time. Before you do that though, make sure that you like this article and share it with other people who are dealing with narcissists who are lying. Obviously, all narcissists lie. All narcissists gaslight, whether they’re a covert narcissist, grandiose narcissist, whatever type of narcissist they are, they all engage in this type of behavior.
So if you need additional support, make sure you join my Facebook group, “Narcissist Negotiators with Rebecca Zung.” I also have a free set of phrases for you at 15 Key Phrases to Disarm Narcissists Get my free phrases for disarming narcissists.
Remember that today’s a great day to start negotiating your best life. I’m Rebecca Zung, and I’m here for you. I’m here to support you. We are here to support you. Remember that you are amazing, you are powerful. This is going to change your life when you start realizing that you can do this, that you can shift that dynamic, you can change who you are by just starting to employ some of these small baby steps.
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