How do you deal with a narcissist’s false allegations?

6 Ways to Deal with a Narcissists’ False Allegations

By Rebecca Zung, Esq.

Narcissists love to accuse you of things because they love to trigger you and get under your skin. But let’s take that a step back before we take it further. It started off when the narcissist love-bombed you. They came on super strong and were impossible to resist. They were charming, charismatic, and seemed so perfect at the beginning. Maybe you thought that they were amazing, wonderful, and perfect. Maybe you thought that they even loved you.

Unfortunately, it was all just manipulation. It was all meant to get narcissistic supply from you. Since the beginning of the relationship, as you are likely an empathic person, you’ve probably been giving the narcissist the best forms of narcissistic supply, which are adulation, service, and just generally making them look good. Basically, you’ve been stroking their ego all along the way.

There are three different phases in a narcissistic relationship: Love-Bomb, Devalue, and Discard. When a narcissistic relationship ends, regardless of who is leaving who, that’s when you go into Discard phase. That’s when you witness the birth of the smear campaign (by the way, this smear campaign can begin even before you realize that the Discard phase has started). In this phase, since you’ve become Public Enemy #1 and are no longer giving them the best forms of supply, narcissists are still going to continue to try to get supply from you, but now they will trade that form of supply for a different form of supply. Narcissists also get supply through making you miserable and making you squirm. By reacting in this manner, you are showing them they still have control over you in some way, and that’s their new form of supply.

So, how would a narcissist go about doing that?

They will begin false allegations and using court system as their sword. As an attorney, I have seen this pattern over and over again. In pleadings, they will state things that are patently untrue. Depending upon how unconscionable they are, I have seen such unsavory and horrible lies in the divorce petition that range from the person hid money to accusing the other party of being a wife beater or child molester when haven’t been.

Accusations about money and children by narcissists are sadly commonplace in court documents. Oftentimes, they’ll tell their attorney that the children weren’t fed, or ate candy, pizza, or junk all weekend long, or nothing at all the entire time they were with one of the parents; or that the whole time they were with dad or mom, they were actually with a babysitter or were left on their own. The types of false allegations or accusations are really endless, and the irony is, narcissists lie so much and so often, that they begin to contradict themselves, not just once, but over and over again.

This is the frustrating part but also the good news for you. This is where you can start to build your leverage. This is where the narcissist actually does do themselves in. But YOU have to be diligent in your documentation. This is where you start building your leverage. This is where my S.L.A.Y. methodology will help you. SLAY stands for Strategy, Leverage, Anticipate where they’re going to go, be two steps ahead of them and focus on You, your case, and your position. That’s what the S.L.A.Y. methodology is and it will very m much help you because narcissists are liars. And do you know what judges hate more than anything? They hate liars. Narcissists are also quite lazy and ignore court orders. And judges hate lazy liars who ignore court orders and I’m telling you; narcissists are all of those things. At the end of the day, if you are just diligent in keeping track of these things, you really will be able to catch them.

Just remember to keep your wits about you, don’t allow them to get the best of you, and understand who it is that you’re dealing with and every time they pull one of those things that they do, just say to yourself, “Thank you very much, you just gave me something else” and take note. Understand what it is that you’re building — which is a case against the narcissist. You have to play a little bit of the long game.

I’m going to give you 6 ways to deal with the narcissists’ false allegations.

One, respond, but do not react. If you do react, you’ll be that fish that they reeled in. Do not give them that. Understand that they do all of these things so that you will be triggered and get supply from it, and they want you to look like the crazy one. So, when you get sucked into that mud and you react, they go, “Oh, look, you’re the crazy one” and you took that bait. Hook, line, and sinker. They will use your reaction against you. And as long as you are giving them that supply, they’ll never leave you alone.

Number two: Make sure to document. In my S.L.A.Y program, I have 12 areas that you should be documenting. I have a whole chart and module on this, but make sure that you are being diligent on how you are documenting and most importantly, do it in real-time. It is so hard to go back and try to recreate what and when it happened.

I remember a case where the wife had a big fight with her 14-year-old son and threw her kid out of the house. It was 4 in the morning and it was cold out since it was like in the middle of December. The husband had to pick up the son and she sends the husband an email saying, “It’s probably better if we take some time apart from each other. You should call the school bus service and have the bus start picking him up at your house for now on.” Then, the next thing you know, the lawyer gets a motion saying that the husband has been withholding their son from the wife, when there’s an email out there that says, “You should call the bus service”, it’s mind-blowing! But this is the kind of thing that they do. That’s why you document, document, document! Keep it in a file and have it ready to go, so you don’t have to go back and look for all this stuff.

Number three is: Don’t get sucked into the mud. Start looking at it from the outside from an observer’s point of view.

I interviewed Judge Lynn Toler from TV’s Divorce Court, and she talked about the same thing, where you just start looking at it as if you’re just a spectator. “Oh, I see that you’re upset”, “Oh, I see that you are unhappy about something, you want to tell me more about that?” Because you have to understand that these are people who are just deeply unhappy — and that’s what you’re dealing with. So, don’t be surprised when they act like themselves. Conversely, be surprised if they act normal. So, that’s the third way of dealing with a narcissist’s false allegations.

Number four is: Become like Teflon when it comes to guilt trips. As mentioned previously, one way for a narcissist to trigger you is by throwing false allegations. But another tactic they use to suck you in is through guilt. They’d say things like “Oh, I thought maybe you might want to take care of your family”, “I thought that you were a better mother than that, but I guess not”. Don’t fall for the guilt thing. Be like Teflon, and stand in your power. Remember, keep your focus on what you know to be fair, what’s right, and what’s equitable. Don’t allow their manipulation to get inside your head, because the voices inside your head, especially if you’ve been with this person for a long time, are their voices — not yours. It’s not the voice of what’s real…and that’s why you should never allow them to penetrate your space. You’ve got to create boundaries, and start to heal. Start staying away from them and keeping your interactions as brief and unemotional as possible.

Number five is: Use one method for communication that can be tracked and documented. This is your way of not allowing yourself to be attacked from 50 different directions. That method of communication should be either through email or an app. Narcissists may try to goad you and say, “Oh, why do you have to be so rigid? Why can’t we can talk using other mediums?”, or “How come we can’t just meet somewhere?”. Narcissists are always going to try and push those boundaries. But don’t give in or engage. Just say, “No, we’re going to use one form and it’s going to be by email”. If you have kids, I do recommend using an app, especially when it’s turned into a court order, because that way, if they don’t use the app, you can file a motion for contempt.

Number six: Try not to be alone with the narcissist. I had a client one time who did the exchange with the child, after they did the exchange, the husband wrote in the app, “Thanks for agreeing to switch weekends next weekend. I really appreciate that”. That conversation never even took place. It wasn’t a false allegation; it was a false conversation. But that’s what they do. It’s a wild odyssey when it comes to dealing with narcissists. So, try not to be alone with them. you can do your exchanges in front of other people. If possible, I recommend parallel parenting plans when dealing with narcissists and try to have as little interaction as possible. Conduct your exchanges at schools: drop off in the morning, then pick up during the afternoon. Do all of your interactions through the app as far as the communication goes.

So those are 6 ways you can deal with a narcissist’s false allegations. Basically, just make sure that you can disprove the allegations. And it’s actually quite easy to do that. I can help you do it. I know how to fight back against narcissists in court. And I know how to win. Remember, they only win if you give in.

Today’s a great day to start negotiating your best life. You can do this!

For a Free live masterclass on the 3 MUST HAVE Secrets on How to Communicate with Narcissists, join Rebecca right here:https://www.slayyournegotiation.com/rzwebinar